


My Lifeline

by eternalsunshinee



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, But kevin did die and gadreel/ezekiel did happen cause i felt like it, Fluff, M/M, Some Humor, season 9 didn't happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-13
Updated: 2014-03-18
Packaged: 2018-01-15 14:16:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1307830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternalsunshinee/pseuds/eternalsunshinee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel fell, he fell a long time ago. And he was still walking, trying desperately to find his way back to the bunker, to the brothers. He is losing hope, it's been so long. But he needed to get back, he needed to find them. He needed to find Dean.<br/>(sorry I seriously suck at summaries)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Castiel remembered the day he was molded into creation. The day his father attached the stars above to create a soldier of heaven. He remembered the birth of the sun, the birth of mankind. He remembered the sky being painted and the clouds being formed. He remembered the first drop in the ever blue ocean. He remembered flying, high above, wandering the heavens with wing blowing through his being, watching humanity's fortunes and misfortunes.

He didn't remember drowning.

Diving down with the air ripped out of his lungs, the lungs that once didn't matter, that didn't belong to him. Stolen.

He felt broken now, as if the stars have torn themselves out of Castiel and flied to abyss again. He felt; he realized. 

He felt everything, the cold air making its burning path to his lungs, he could feel his head pounding; as if a thousand arms had been knocking on the inside of his head. He felt the rough wood under his back, supporting Castiel's weight as he leaned on the bench. Emotions had always been there, for castiel. But Castiel could lock them away, in the back of his mind.

But now the door was open and he lost the key. He was deep down in the ocean until

He closed his eyes.

Everything was dark.

He was floating until the black engulfing him changed to bright light.

The bright light didn't burn when it hit his retinas, it made him feel safe.

It made him feel at home.

The bright shades of green and white filled his being with hope, with grace that he hadn't felt for weeks. He stood up on unbalanced legs, looking around. Castiel's suspicions have been correct, it was heaven. Not only in the metaphorical sense. He felt a smile find his way to his mouth, a sensation that felt so wrong and unfamiliar in this home. In his other home he could smile, he left this home a long time ago. He left with free will making his feathers curl, now he's feathers are long gone.

Happiness was never a priority when he was an angel; it was to follow the orders that were given without question, to not have doubt in their minds. Castiel believed that once, that he had no purpose but to be a soldier. Then it all changed, when the righteous man was to be raised from the deep horrors of hell. Castiel took the offer, and he raised the man, the man who will one day be the only thing Castiel has.

And now it is the last thing he lost.

With Dean clouding his mind Castiel didn't notice that the environment changed. It was still the Garden of Eden, but now a thousand of vessels scattered the grassy ground, shadows of wings framing the bodies that no longer held grace. Castiel remembered this as well, he knew who placed these bodies there. He knew it well because the answer was him.

                                                                           **************************************************

He sat up quickly on the rough wood surface, sweat dripping down his body and his breathing shallow and short. It was not the first time he had suffered that nightmare, of the horrid acts he did that had caused heaven to fall apart. Since the fall he had been dreaming of all sorts of horrors, some had involved the burning bodies falling from the sky, or all of the horrible acts that lead to that moment. All of the mistakes Castiel had done. But the most held the person he cared about from all.

Dean Winchester. Of course Sam was in a few, of the time he broke his sanity and left him broken and mental. How he had nearly died because of Castiel’s arrogance. But dean was the majority of them, the disappointment that etched his face each time castiel had wronged, the harsh words he spat at him, the bruised looks and the hollow words that castiel caused to him. The care he felt for the human was indescribable, it burned so strongly, and was undeniable. No wonder his brethren back in heaven used to tease him, say that he was in love with the pretty human boy. He didn't know, love was a powerful feeling and a weakness, Castiel didn't want to go anywhere near it.  If it meant dean could get hurt, he will go a thousand lifetimes denying his feelings.

He blinked a few times to adjust his vision, this time the light burned like a thousand suns. He fell back on the cold wood, his head hitting the balled trench coat that he used as a pillow; he didn't dare to rid himself of it. The one thing that kept him grounded, the one thing that reminded him of home.

It was about sunrise, the sun coloring the sky in a mix of warm colors, illuminating the trees at the park castiel was sleeping in with an orange glow. The bench beneath him didn’t seem to be affected by the warm wind since it was cold as ice. His whole body was shivering, so he sat up again; slowly this time.  Feeling his stiff back ache from the movement, he rolled his shoulders until they were loose again, and moved his legs to the stone floor. He stood up, grunting low as he did, his body unused to the position. He grabbed his trench coat from the place it was placed on the bench, and wore it on; grateful for the familiar feeling. He at in instant felt better, no longer shivering.

He started walking. The endless path home.

                                                                               **************************************************

It's been months now; Castiel had suffered through cold nights, heat waves, rainstorms. But he still hadn't given up, the hope. The hope never leaving him, clinging to it tight like a rope, a rope tied to the source of freedom. Of life; his family.

Until one cold night, with the rain falling down like tear drops, Castiel’s rope had started fraying, falling apart slowly.

Castiel was curled up on a bench in a bus station, the rain falling on the plastic with loud thuds, the wind blowing like a hurricane, and castiel was shivering, his teeth chattering so much he worried they would shatter. His hair a mop on his head. He was giving up, his hope small and desperate, desperate to claw itself back up. There was no one in the street at this midnight hour, just the faint whispers of teenagers and the loud rumbles of cars. All giving him false hope as they passed. Castiel tried to close his eyes, nightmares still haunted him, but now he could only see the black of his eyelids, failing to even create an image in his mind. All he could hear was the rain, hitting the ground like nuclear bombs. He tried to block them, to block the sound. To block the world, he was desperate for some sleep, but it never came. He changed sides, so he was facing the black rode, unable to close his eyes. Just staring absentmindedly, and letting his thoughts race. All he could think of was these questions. Repeating themselves over and over again, like a broken record. That seemed to remain unanswered.

_'Am I going to make it?'_

_'Am I worth saving?'_

_'Do they think I'm worth saving?'_

_'Are they even looking?'_

He huffed and watched the steam fly out of his mouth as if smoke. He didn't know what to do anymore, he was lost, and he was desperate.  So he prayed, he prayed until any gods in any heaven could possibly hear him. He prayed that they will lead him home, that the brothers will find him. Afterwards, Castiel waited, and waited. In the end he'd given up, closed his tired eyes. When he heard something, it was faint, it seemed far. But he could know that sound even if he had lost his memory; the sound was the melody of the engine of the all familiar Impala.

He sat up quickly, whipping his head to all directions. He saw nothing, just the same street, with the same flickering headlights.

Probably his sleep deprived mind had been playing tricks on him. He felt like crying now; the emotion not unfamiliar.  Since the fall he'd been crying; when he was so desperate and begging. But now he didn't cry, he just looked miserably at the twinkling sky. He didn't try to sleep now, his mind too depressed and lonely.  Loneliness was familiar already, the ache in his chest as if someone had punched his heart out. Depression wasn’t though, it felt new and vile in his body. The feeling of the rope, having only one string left till it ripped. He heard the sound again, so he closed his eyes tight, trying to make it go away, to stop giving him false hopes and then shattering them like glass at his feet.

He heard the sound stop. He was grateful.

Until another sound came

"Cas?"

And with that one stolen word, the rope held tight, and mend itself back to one.


	2. Chapter 2

"How did you find me?" He asked Dean, it came out as a whisper, his voice still chocked from no use. The Impala just passed a sign that said ‘Kansas.  50 miles ahead' Dean looked over to him, a small smile decorating his face, a smile that hadn’t vanished since they reunited. "I never stopped looking" he said, and the smile widened a bit, showing some white sparkling stars. Another two question had been answered. Two more left. Cas couldn't help but smile, the whole situation bordering on not real or too good. He didn't care, be it a dream, be it a lost hope. he will cling to it and enjoy it as much as he can. "You should sleep, you look like crap." Dean said, he didn't mean it in an insulting way, more a concerned way.  Castiel nodded too tired to argue. And as he laid his head on the window; that made his whole head vibrate, smelling the deep scent of leather and cologne.  He fell asleep in seconds.

                                                                                    **************************************************

Dean looked at the sleeping form of the ex angel beside him, finally after he fell asleep Dean let himself let out a breath of relief, the one that had been aching in his throat. It was hard to believe it was real, Dean had been going crazy with worry,Sam nearly dying didn't help. He'd been looking all over the state, always with a phone in his hand, waiting for the name "Cas" to blink on the screen with an incoming call. Dean didn't really know what happened; all he knew is that one minute the sky was blue and then it started raining men.... and women.... do angels even have genders?

But all he knew was that Cas had something to do with this, the whole having a family meeting with all the flying dick heads plan probably had gone wrong. He'd ask him later, but now the poor guy needed to sleep.

Dean struggled to keep his eyes on the road, fearing that if he looked away Cas would disappear. But he didn't want to crush and kill them both so he did his best, only stealing glimpses once in a while.

He wasn’t sure what their next move was, him and Sam have been on the angel radar since the fall; meaning no more hunts, no more saving people. Because not only were the angels on their ass, but Sam was too weak to hold a damn gun. He would think of a game plan, but now he just wanted to get back home.

                                                                             ***************************************************

"Cas, hey Cas" dean said as he shook the angel, former angel. He always forgets it. Cas looked blissfully happy, Dean hated to take it away, but they got to the bunker and no way in hell he was carrying him. He heard a low groan come from the form under his hand, and then he heard a soft "huh?" "Time to wake up" Cas grumbled out an objection. So Dean exited the car, went to the door Cas was leaning on, and opened it. He pulled Cas by the arm, who yelled a tired "hey!" But then got back to his senses. He was unsteady at first, his hand squishing dean's shoulder.

As Castiel’s vision adjusted he saw a big door, a door that held memories, memories that kept him safe but made him feel ripped. The last time he'd been here it was after he broke Naomi’s control, after he broke that connection that made him come to almost killing Dean. after he ran away with a cold heart. She was gone now, but Castiel was not grateful. Because the blame for that was also on him. Another one on the list of mortality caused by him.

He was still holding on to Dean's shoulder, he let go finally.  Though he longed to put it back there, to feel the same as he did years ago pulling him out of hell. They walked inside in comfortable silence, Castiel didn't need silence, in silence he was alone with his thoughts.  And his thoughts were killing him.

So he tried to break the silence. "How's Sam?" He asked finally, he intended to before. But he fell asleep before he could. "Oh, he's snoozing off in his room, he was really messed up after the trials.” Dean's voice was tense, as if the memories were stabbing him with a sharp edged knife.  Castiel nodded, eyes cast down. He could have helped, he could have saved Sam before it was too late. They got down the metal stairs, into the main room. The silence was deafening again, so to clear his thoughts Castiel looked at Dean. He looked at ease, but Castiel could see the concern and pain behind those green infinitives. Castiel realized the silence was too deafening. And he dared to ask. "Where's Kevin?"

It was a mistake.

Dean looked over to him finally, his eyes conveying so much pain, all Castiel wanted to do is make it go away. To not see the way Dean's eyes were getting glassy, how his jaw was in a hard line. How his posture once again became so rigid and Dean-like. "Kevin... Kevin’s gone" Dean said with a struggle. He looked angry, more than pained. More than sad. He looked angry at himself. Which was worse, Castiel would take a thousand shouts and punches just for dean to understand that he isn’t to blame. He didn't know what to say, Kevin was his friend too. Hardly maybe, but he cared for the boy. And he was too young. He was dragged into the fight that did not belong to him. And fights never end pretty.

"How?" Castiel asked hesitantly. Scared for Dean to burst.

"Some dick angel, bad timing. I wasn't there in time" Dean said quickly, as if writing a list of all the things he had done wrong, Castiel could see, not even see, feel the hate gathering in dean's stomach. Impending to come out.

He decided to ask more."How did an ange-" "he was inside Sam, Kevin didn't know." Dean's voice was getting quieter, his eyes shifting from Castiel's, he didn't want to talk about it, it was clear. Castiel nodded again, and Dean looked up at him again. And Castiel had to gather all his will to not embrace him and never let go in that moment.  His eyes were more than glassy now, they were broken. And so was Castiel’s heart upon seeing that. "I'm sorry" he said as quietly as he could. Dean sniffled and nodded back, and they kept walking finally. "I'm gonna give you one of the spare rooms, the one you used last time" Dean stated his voice broke in some words. He nodded and said quietly "thank you" Dean's features only showed confusion "for what?" "For finding me, for not letting me go" he was sure these words would make dean uncomfortable, but he had to say it. It was burning inside him. The corner of Dean's mouth lifted up, and he said "That's what friends are for" he clapped his shoulder and headed for his room, Castiel just followed. Until he saw the familiar brown door that led to his once room. He had never really used it. Neither for sleep nor living at least. Just to heal. It was the third door from dean's room, Sam was between the two rooms. Typical for dean, never letting his little brother too far out of sight. Just a wall separating them. He smiled softly as he entered his room. It wasn't much; it looked like an exact replica of Dean and Sam’s room. Just that this one was empty. He knew this was his home. He wanted it to feel like home. So he pulled out from his trench coat something that he hadn’t showed to a soul, a picture.  It was wet and frayed but it held meaning.  A picture of them, the three of them.  Bobby took it years ago.  Before everything went downhill. Castiel placed it on the small table next to his bed. He sat on said bed, and looked at it. He laid back on the bed, the 'memory foam' as Dean calls it, he wasn't sure if his 'remembered him' but it didn't matter, he turned off the lights. And fell to a blissfully nightmare-free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERES THE SECOND CHAPTER  
> next chapter coming tomorrow :)


	3. Chapter 3

Castiel woke up to the darkness of his room and the comfort of his bed. The darkness surrounding him was amazingly quiet. It was just Castiel and his thoughts. And his mind was quiet as well. So he just looked at the blackness. Uncertain of what he's waiting for.

He wanted to get up, to move. But his mind was resisting that. Okay, Castiel didn't exactly 'try' but he certainly thought of getting up. He just laid there in the comfort of his bed. After at least, what his mind perceived to be half an hour. Castiel fought his mind and got up. For once his back wasn't stiff. He felt good. His whole body felt good. He felt lightheaded, which was a normal sign of a good sleep, but nonetheless generally happy. Happiness was easy. It was easier than he thought.  It came, and you could wrap around it. And it may never leave you.  He realized he was still wearing the dirty trench coat.  That was ripped on the end and dirty all over. So was his shirt, so he took both off. Feeling vulnerable without them.  It was like his symbol. When he took Jimmy as a vessel he didn't know the necessity of changing clothes, not that it mattered, and besides that; he liked the attire. It fit him. He was now wearing only a gray undershirt and a tie that hanged loosely around his neck. The tie never really bothered him. It was just.... there, he never paid much attention to it.  Of course his pants got dirty too, but he didn't think it would be well to walk in undergarments around Dean, those things tend to make him uneasy.  For a reason Castiel could not understand. Dean tended to take nudity as offensive, but mostly male nudity. Castiel didn't exactly know the difference.  He never had a gender, yes his vessel was a male, but he stayed genderless.He got outside the room when bright light hit his vision.  He blinked a few times until the world stopped burning and kept walking. He kept walking till he saw a familiar figure. Dean was seated at the table in the library, eating what seemed to be pie. Dean looked over to him and said with a full mouth "good morning, sleep well?" "Yes. Is it customary to eat pie in the morning?" He asked with a rugged voice. "There is no wrong time to eat pie there's just times you don’t have pie." he said as he took another bite, castiel came to sit in front of him. Smelling the sweet smell of the apple pie. He yearned to try it, since becoming human he had more of a taste to sweets but Dean seemed to want it so he kept quiet, just looked at it with his eyes squinted.

Dean swallowed and looked at Cas who seemed to dream of making sweet love to his pie. Or perhaps confused to why it’s a circle. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and asked "you want some?" Castiel looked up at him in what seemed to be a mixture of confusion and wonder. Which makes Cas' two main personality traits. "Yes" Cas said with that voice that was somehow deeper than it usually was. Which is really freaking impossible considering that his voice was like a Terminator Batman. Dean pushed the pie to him and gave him a spare spoon that he had in case... okay if Sammy was the one to wake up Dean wouldn't have let him touch his pie, he was hoping Cas would want some, it appeared He was right.  He saw Cas take the spoon and slowly take a spoonful of pie and put it in his mouth. He watched the ex-angel's throat move with the swallow. And then he moaned. Like a downright pornographic moan. Something taken from dean's favorite secret stashes of porn. It made him feel weird. He was still not sure if good weird or bad weird, he was hoping bad weird, cause he really didn't need to deal with good weird cause.... that’s weird. So dean just averted his thoughts from Cas' moans and thought about girls. Yes that’s a good idea. Or baseball. Manly stuff.  Not the pornographic moans coming from his best friend.  Cas ate in unnatural speed, letting out grunts and eating quite loudly, Dean tried to pay attention to something else but failed miserably, he had to do something.

He snatched the pie from Cas. Cas looked up at him with those extremely blue eyes, okay no. First rule of heterosexuality.  No thinking of a dude's eye color. It was in the heterosexuality instructions book. And that rule was written down in black with 5 lines under it on the first page. He wanted to smack his head ‘cause he couldn't think with those (seriously not beautiful and outrageously blue) eyes looking at him in the way that put Sam’s puppy eyes to the trash can. "Don’t finish it all. Do you know how long it will take until Sam actually would remember the pie again?" He said when his mind finally succeeded at forming a sentence that didn't include "uh"s and "um"s. Cas nodded with that face that looked like a kicked puppy "apologies" he said.  Of course the asshole actually sounded like he was sorry, like he didn't know why Dean took the pie (he probably didn't but Dean refused to admit it) Dean wasn’t in the mood for eating anymore, which was weird. There are two reasons Dean Winchester wouldn't be hungry a) he’s in his bad chick movie mourning time b) he’s horny.

He didn't want to think about which one is true. He decided to talk, ignoring how awkward it would be.  "So... what's up?" Dean asked after some silence. Cas looked up at him, he looked fragile for some reason. Like he could break if Dean pushed him. Dean knew why he felt that way. He felt that way because that now that Cas is on the human train now so he could get hurt. And Cas couldn't heal himself anymore. He could get hurt badly, he could do that for dean. If Cas was famous for one thing was dying. Or worse. But each of the times, with Lucifer, with Crowley, with everything.  He always did it for Dean, but all Dean ever did was ask more. And here he was, castiel; Fallen from grace, previously homeless cause Dean couldn't keep him safe. Cas needed him. Cas always needed him, but Dean was never there. Dean was scared that he would lose Cas. Again. He couldn't do that, not Cas. Not again.

 Cas finally opened his mouth "I dont know"

Dean didn't expect a different answer.

Dean nodded.  Cas didn't try to further his answer. Dean looked at him, stared into those eyes and said "we will fix this. We will do as we always do. You'll fix this. We'll fix you." Dean took a deep breath before finishing

"I'll fix you. Even if I have to kill every wingless sonovabitch there is. I _will_ fix you." He was breathless when he finished. He didn't know where that came from, he never said these kind of things. But it was true, and Dean'll be damned if he cared how gay it sounded. Cas looked at Dean that way again, as if he's his whole universe. He looked so amazed.  Like he never thought Dean could say something like that (which was probably true ‘cause Dean never did)

Cas nodded, and then looked down. 

Dean forgave him.

Castiel could feel the hollow weight of his heart fill with blood again. He wanted to say something. When a pale figure with uncharacteristically tousled hair emerged to the library, Cas’ heart sank again. Dean straightened in his chair and so did caps, making the distance between them larger. For seemingly no reason. "Morning sleeping beauty" dean retorted at the very pale brother. Sam grumbled something that sounded like "morning" his voice was whispered and rough, he looked.... he looked dead. He was white as a sheet, his veins visible in his arms, his hair a bird's nest, he looked as if he lost half of his weight, his eyes were red and definitely tired. He slumped down at the table, next to Dean. He looked up at Cas, and struggled to do what seemed to be a smile. "Hi Cas" he said with a hushed whisper. "Hello Sam. How are you feeling?" He asked cautiously. He glanced at Dean who had that big brother look on his face; the one he wore most of the time, the one that showed compassion. Care, love, fear. But most of all it showed danger. A look that made no monster dare to touch Sam. Sam rubbed the back of his neck "I'm, um, fine. Really. It’s better." Sam seemed to not try to reassure himself, nor castiel. That promise was meant for Dean. Dean's posture became less rigid, less preparing for combat. "You should sleep Sammy, the more rest you'll get the faster you'll heal" dean said. Sam let out a quiet chuckle. "Everything you say doctor Winchester" he said in a sarcastic tone that Castiel somehow picked up on. Dean let out such a forced laugh that it burned Castiel to hear it. "Go to sleep Sammy" Dean said as the brother trotted back to his room.

Dean's walls broke down.

Like a dam impending to burst he just imploded.

He didn't cry.

He didn't shout.

He just looked so hollow.

He put his head in his hands and he breathed.

That's all castiel could see. Those hands hiding those divine green eyes that always shined with pain. Those lips that never trembled or quivered.

 It seemed as if a ritual, as if each time Sam showed his dead tired face, Dean would break down, it made sense. Considering Dean put himself in the role of taking care of his brother.

Castiel couldn't see this, he had to do something.  He was unsure what. He walked to the chair next to Dean and sat in it. Staring at Dean until he could figure out what to do.

Dean didn't move, he didn't do anything.  He just breathed. Those breathes that seemed to come out so even it was impossible.

Castiel brought his hand up shakily to one of Dean's on his face,And took it away from there.

Dean had his eyes closed. Eyelashes a curtain on his cheek. He held the hand, held it like it was sacred. Which it was, because it was Dean's.

And Dean is the most sacred thing castiel had laid eyes on, he saw the rise of the roman empire, God’s prophets, tablets and archangels; but none of them compared to Dean. The gesture, the hand holding, felt oddly familiar. It took Castiel a few minutes to realize from where:

His sister, Anna, held his hand when she tried to convince him to have free will, he never thought she would be so right.

If it wasn't for her, her words that shined like a signal in Castiel’s grace he would have never gotten to do this.

To look upon Dean Winchester as well holding his hand. To have this, family. Friendship.

Dean took his other hand off his face, and took his hand away from Castiel’s. He let him.

Dean scrubbed his face with the same hands. As if wiping away every sin. The sins that Castiel held on his hands. The hands that held blood of the weak in them. Dean sighed then. He then opened his eyes, green as ever. He looked at Castiel, there was gratefulness shining there. Dean wanted to talk.

He didn't have to say anything.

Castiel understood.

Behind words unsaid there were promises never spoken. Words none ever dared to utter into existence.  Not in paper form, not in speech. 

Castiel understands.

He understands it all.

"Thank you" was all that Dean said.

A nod came appeared again. No words have any meaning now.

Dean gets up, and goes to his room.

Castiel stays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it came a bit late :(, I had technical issues.  
> But now it's here, enjoy :)


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel was bored.

As in extremely bored. It felt purposeless.  Just walking around aimlessly in the bunker, Dean was doing his father knows what and Sam was sleeping.

So Castiel just went from doing one thing to another, or just sitting on the couch and staring at the ceiling.  He read so many lore books he could probably identify a vampire from his ear. He also found an interesting book called 'Sherlock Holmes' sadly the bunker seemed to lack the full series, which made Castiel feel very angry for some reason. It was just fiction. Words on paper, why did it make him so infuriated?

Castiel was extremely bored.                   

An angel of the lord. Bored.

What a tale to tell.

Not that he was an angel anymore, but that's a minor detail.

Dean appeared again, looking brighter than all day, he also had new pants. Which really shouldn't matter to Castiel that much.

"We need more entertainment" Castiel stated. Dean just stared at him, and then he cracked up. "I see you have suffered for the first time what we humans call the boredom of doom" Dean said. Castiel squinted at him, not understanding how boredom could lead to doom. But with Dean he didn't question it. Everything could lead to doom. He's a Winchester.

"Y’know there's a TV down the hall" Dean said as he got himself a pack of chips and sat in front of Castiel. "I tried. Nothing caught my interest." Castiel hmpf'd. Dean just continued to eat his chips.  The whole thing was rather awkward.  Castiel was looking at his hands, dean was eating chips rather (very) loudly. And they were absolutely quiet.

Dean laid the bag aside, and looked at Cas, until said Cas lifted his eyes to meet him. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say, he didn't want to say anything.  Cas was just nice to look at, but not like, nice that way. In a total non gay way. Just in a friendly way that didn't make him think of grabbing that face and- whoa whoa whoa no! Too far Dean Winchester.  Too far.

Dean must have shown some signs because Cas' expression soon became worried "are you alright?" Cas asked. "Yeah, I'm fine-peachy- perfectly fine. Great" yes that wasn't awkward at all. , he scolded himself. Cas tilted his head, a thing Dean hadn’t seen for a while. But he missed it. Because it made him remember the good old times. (And it was also cute as hell but Dean was totally not thinking about that shut up) desperately trying to change the subject Dean asked "Cas do you remember how to shoot a gun?"

                                                                                                                  *******************************

After hours of trying to convince Cas to let Dean teach him some combat moves and how to shoot a gun and another two hours of Cas actually doing these stuff they we're sitting at Dean's room sweating rivers and breathing shallowly.  Dean was wrapping a bandage around Cas' arm. Where Cas had accidentally hurt himself. Cas looked angry, mostly cause Dean _SERIOUSLY_ underestimated him. Cas literally won all the hand to hand combat and when he shot a gun he shot it to the middle of the chest on the target in the first try. "You were right" Dean said as he finished bandaging his arm. Cas looked at him with a raised eyebrow which surprised Dean, he couldn't believe he was actually showing some kinds of sass "of course I was right" Dean taught him so well. He was so proud. "Yes. You definitely were, I was wrong. Good job buddy. Didn't think a nerdy angel without wings could beat me" he said sarcastically.  Cas raised his eyebrow up even further. He was afraid it would jump off his head. "Didn't think a human with skills of an elderly turtle would underestimate a previously angel of the lord with centuries of practice." Oh now it’s on. Time to bring out the big guns.

"Well at least I didn't make out with a demon"

"You have had intercourse with far less civilized things than a demon, Dean Winchester" Cas retorted.

"Well at least I had intercourse, Castiel" he mockingly repeated.

Just as Cas' eyebrow finally chilled it shot up again. It needed a leash or something.

"My sexual activity does not define me and it was a choice. Most woman have been begging me." Cas said. Idiot. He just gave dean more ideas. "Dude you were almost killed by a prostitute. A person who gives sex. For money. That you pay them" dean shot back. "Dean nearly every woman you have slept with had wanted to kill you" ouch.  Cas' lips twitched. Smile, smile, smile, smile, dean chanted in his head.

“Yeah thanks for reminding me, Cas.” Dean said with a barely hidden smile.

It made Cas smile.

Cas was finally smiling.

"Our lives are weird, man" Dean said as he started laughing.  "Yes they definitely are, Dean" Cas said as he started laughing too. It was a strange sound. Kind of like a kitten chocking on his fur ball (nice metaphor Dean. Real Shakespeare you are) but it was nonetheless nice to hear it. Dean was too far off his mind he didn't even think before saying "I mean do you even remember that time we literally were in cartoon land?" Dean asked as he started chocking on his own laughter. "I then had discovered the joy of cartoons" cas said between laughs. The laughing leveled out some time afterwards. Dean's side hurt for the first time in years, it was so easy. So easy to laugh like this. He just needed the right person. And he had that person, staring right at him, a smile decorating his face.

They just looked at each other then, forest eyes meeting blue oceans.

It took Dean seemingly hours to grab cas by the collar of his shirt and pull their mouths together.

Castiel didn't yelp. He melted. He melted into the kiss like a waterfall falling to a pond. He fit with Dean, he moved with him.

Perfection was not a word to describe the feeling. The feeling was indescribable.

It was real. It was sweet. It was amazing.

Those words weren’t enough.

When they both pulled away they were breathless.  Gasping for air as if dying. Dying wasn’t the right term. The right term was coming alive, the air flowed from his lungs again. He welcomed it. Because now those lungs felt real as well. And like their first meeting. They were coming alive. Except it was reversed now. Castiel had been dead. Until those lips sealed his. Taken the breath from him but at the same time giving him his. Like a promise. A promise that had been sealed when castiel first laid a hand on Dean in hell.

His sister was right.  Since then he'd been lost. Lost in confusion and questions unanswered.

But now he's been found.

Dean pulled back, Cas let out a grunt of disappointment.

Dean's face was red, an uncharacteristically expression on the man. He also didn't look at him. As if embarrassed at what he just did.

Or felt like it was a mistake.

Either way Castiel's face felt hot too.

"I'm sorry. I- I don’t know what happened. I shouldn't have done that"

Castiel wanted to slap him.

How dare he. All those times castiel yearned to do the same and he thinks he shouldn't have done that?

Castiel's response came out shorter and kinder than he wanted.

"It was quite pleasant actually. I would like you to do that again.  If you will" castiel was the one with the eyes cast down now. And face hot again.

There was a silence afterwards.  The air so thick you could cut it with a knife. Then castiel felt warmth being placed on his cheek, he looked and saw a very familiar hand resting on his face. He looked up the arm to find those green eyes again. That held universes. That held pain so old it should be dead. Those green eyes that were so uncertain and shy at the moment. "I would like to do that again too. I mean if you want" Dean said shyly, avoiding Castiel’s eyes.

"Yes" came Castiel's response.

And they were kissing again.

The world stopped.

The sounds were blocked out.

There was only this.

Castiel felt so much and so little.

He forgot about pain.

He remembered only the feel of Dean's lips like glue against his. Then they opened.  And so did Castiel's.

And then the world moved again.

It moved too fast.

It spun like a hurricane.

It moved around them, it moved in breathes and moans. It moved with Dean's hand sliding to his hips and holding so tight to break. It moved with the clothes being thrown away to the floor.

The world didn't stop moving.

With arched backs and moans that could shatter the building.

It moved with lips everywhere and hands in the most sensitive spots, with pitched breathes.

Castiel discovered sensations he never thought possible, he didn't know it will be like this.

He was in heaven again; he was there with the sound of his name repeating itself like a prayer to the no longer angel.

It moved with promises and whispers that consisted

"I need you"

"I won’t leave you"

And a whole lot of you's.

'The words' stayed unspoken.

They didn't need to be said.

They were there.

They fit together like puzzle pieces.

They've always fit together.

Castiel was flying again.

This time he didn't need wings, he needed Dean. Dean pressed against him, whispering praises and obscene words.  Castiel didn't mind, he didn't mind how the scene was wrong and against his father's rules. It was raw, it was desperate, it was amazing. And he didn't feel guilt nor shame. He felt right. It was all so right.

As the universe blew up, and sparks flew from their bodies, cries of pleasure so loud and sincere cupid would be horrified. 

When the sparks stopped flying they laid tangled together, under the sheets, sweating and breathing lowly and shallowly.  Castiel clinging to Dean.

"Whoa" dean said with a rough voice. His hair was everywhere, disheveled because of Castiel’s hands. His lips red and swollen. Bite marks from the collarbone and up. All Castiel. "That must be the best orgasm I've had in years."

Castiel agreed.

He clung to Dean, like a thirsty man to water. Like a mother to her children.

He clung to Dean as if he was his whole universe.

Because he was.

"I won’t leave you again dean"

_I love you._ He wanted to say.

_I love you and I will always love you._

_I loved you since I laid my hand on the purest soul in hell, that shined like a beacon between the tortured and sinful souls._

_I loved you because I knew you were the one._

_I love you because we're equally broken._

_I love you Dean Winchester, because you freed me from my self righteous family, who caged me and didn’t allow free will._

_You saved me._

"I know"

_I love you._   Dean wanted to say as well.

_I love you a lot._

_And I wish I had the guts to say it._

_But I can’t._

_I loved you since I felt the energy engulfing my body. Because I knew it was gonna save me._

_I loved you when you were mad, I loved you when you were wrong, I loved you when you were broken._

_I love you Castiel._

_Because you gave me hope._

_And you saved me._

_You freed me._

_You are, and always will be._

_My lifeline._

Nothing could ruin the mood more than a dying looking moose figure opening the door and waving a gun around. His hair swinging around with every time his head shot to a different direction. When Sam’s eyes reached the bed, well... Dean could best describe the scream he gave as a 16 year old in a bad horror movie. "DEAN ARE YOU OKAY DID YOU GET HIT BY A WITCH OR SOMETHING I THOUGHT YOU WERE DYING I HEARD SCREAMS DEAN ARE YOU OKAY?!?!?!"  Sam yelled as he kept waving the gun around.  "Nope. No witch, just me and Cas here dancing naked in my bed. No need to worry" Dean said with a so not innocent smile while putting an arm around a very naked Cas, he kissed Cas just to sweeten the scene. Sam’s mouth hanged open, and his eyes widened to the size of plates. “Sam if you won’t close your mouth bugs will fly in” Sam looked at Dean with his number 34 bitchface and then he looked at Cas, then he gulped. Sam hasn’t looked more alive when he ran out the door and screaming "NOT COOL DEAN.  NOW I NEED TO DRINK BLEACH TO FORGET THIS YOU SEX CRAZED MANIAC!" Came his yell. "YOU BETTER PUT EAR PLUGS ‘CAUSE WE'RE GOING FOR ANOTHER ROUND!" Dean yelled after him.

"SCREW YOU DEAN!" they heard a door slam shut followed by the sounds of a seemingly dying moose. Dean started laughing as he laid back down on the bed, he looked over to the man resting on his shoulder, looking at him curiously. "Humanity is a strange concept" came Castiel’s blunt response that Dean expected.  Dean smiled at him and pulled him closer, which he didn't seem to object, by the way he was nuzzling Dean's shoulder like a kitten. Cas looked up at him again, those eyes an ocean that never looked calmer. He could drown in those eyes. Dean wasn’t a big fan of all this Cutesiness. But all that was off the plate when Cas was cuddling into his shoulder like that. He had this beauty, dean wanted to call it innocence, but after how Cas wrecked him it won’t be the appropriate term. He'd call him simply beautiful, he chose a damn fine vessel.

Cas looked up at him again, Dean's breath stopped in his throat again. And his heart seemed to crawl to his throat. Dean placed a gentle hand on Cas' face, he stroked his thumb on his face, feeling the stubble scratch his hand. He smiled as he leaned in, placing their lips together. They were closed. It was gentle, it was sweet as pie. It was beautiful. Dean had issues with love. But undoubtedly, this one was undying. It’s been there all along, they just didn't look. It was lost under layers of fear, denial, anger, betrayal. Dean just needed to dig in, but when he did, he found the warm feel of Cas' mouth. And let his heterosexuality go to waste. Nothing else mattered.

They parted, their breaths mingling together. Their smiles shining in the darkness of the room. Cas caressed Dean's arm, running his arm along the smooth skin, he could feel Cas' hand dip a bit in the place of his old scars. The ones caused by battles. He placed his arm on the hand print scar. The one he left behind .He looked bashful, his skin tinted red and his eyes focusing on his hand. Dean felt his eyes slowly shutting, he forced them open, he wanted to look at Cas. Cas' movement started to slow. Slowly sinking into sleep. When his movements stopped completely, replaced by chaste breathes. Dean had the fortune of seeing Cas' like this. Unguarded, lost of the world's worries. Beautiful.

Dean fell asleep.

He only dreamed with Cas' name on his lips.

Like a prayer, To the angel,

Who made the non believer; a man who prays.

To the angel laying beside him, Who was no longer an angel.

But a man who lost his faith,

A man with broken wings and halo shattered on the ground.

A man who Dean loved, loved with wings or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER GUYS!!!!!  
> I hope you enjoyed reading this fanfic as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
> Thanks for reading!!!

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS MY FIRST EVER FANFICTION I UPLOADED!!!!!!  
> sorry if it sucks, but if you read it I'll appreciate feedback.  
> Thanks for reading!  
> Hope you liked it.  
> next chapter is coming soon :)


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